The Slightly Objective Adventures of Isabella Swan
by unknown men
Summary: It all started with the question of sex. It ended with her legs wrapped around his. OOC/M for content


The Adventures of Isabella Swan

It all started with the question of sex. It ended with her legs wrapped around his. OOC/M for content

* * *

"It's like a little gnome that pops up, and then shoots back down. You get depressed that it's gone, but then 'Oh!' there he is again! Then he's gone again! It goes on and on, until your little gnome friend pukes white stuff all over your chest. Then you get a little mad."

Isabella Swan was trying to discuss the logistics of 'tit sex' with Rosalie Hale. Rosalie was definitely the person to ask about this – not only was Rosalie a knockout, a blond-bombshell, a Christina Aguilera-Britney Spears cross, but her sex experience? Jesus Christ, Isabella could only hope to get as much as Rosalie had.

"How would one go about, uhm, asking their boyfriend for this?" Sure, Isabella did not, indeed, have a boyfriend, but Rosalie didn't need to know.

"Oh, honey. No need to ask. Just slip your tits on while giving an 'ol beejay, and he'll be salivating with pleasure," Rosalie flicked back her long blond hair, and looked like she knew every man's secret. Isabella did not doubt it.

"What is the appropriate, uhm, breast size for this to be comfortable?" Isabella asked, only because her measly B cup looked as if it could not, and would not withstand anyone's…package.

"Honey, you could super-push two nearly-A breasts together and it would get an effect, but if you want it soft and pillow-y…I'd say…maybe a C. At the least," Rosalie was closely scrutinizing Isabella's B cup, making Isabella cross her arms over her chest and stand up with a huff.

"Well, uhm. Thank you, Rosalie," Isabella seethed, suddenly mad for no reason.

"Hey, doll. Just callin' it like I know it, bye, _Bellers,_" What an atrocious female, that Rosalie was.

* * *

"Dear, sex is a magical and mystical thing, between two people _who love each other, _and when two people _who love each other_, get a little happy in the southern area, _and they love each other,_ they decide to touch parts, _but only if they love each other. _Do you get what I am saying?" Isabella not only regretted asking her mother for sexual advice, but she suddenly wished that the Earth would swallow her up and kill her in a boiling pit of lava. Anything was preferable to this. Honestly, anything was.

"…"

"Again, sweetie, _only if they love each other, _will they partake in sex," Renee suddenly took on a patronizing tone, not that her tone hadn't been patronizing earlier, but now she seemed to leak it from her pores. Curling down and begging for Isabella to pet it.

"…"

"Please, sweetie. _Love each other,_ or you will make a mistake, and then, get married, and divorced, and you'll have to shuttle a child back and forth every two weeks," Renee seemed to have a glazed look on her face, like she was reliving moment's passed.

"…"

"Sweetie?" Isabella was looking at her mother with a horrified look on her face, her eyes opened wide, her mouth aghast.

Instead of answering, Isabella turned around with a huff, and stomped to her room. Nothing would help her. No one would help her.

* * *

"Uhm..." Charlie was another mistake; Isabella should not have stomped into the house screaming in frustration.

"?" Isabella had a look on her face, she couldn't help but be…embarrassed, furious, stressed, lustful…frustrated.

"Are you, uhm, you sure you should, uh, be asking, uhm…me, about, this?" Charlie looked absolutely mortified; he did not at all want to be in this position. "You should ask your friend, uhm, Alice?"

"Alice is two years younger than me, Charlie. How would she have more experience than me? She's in the eighth grade," Isabella rolled her eyes at the clueless Charlie, but Charlie didn't have any of it. Instead of _trying_ to talk to Isabella, he just up and walked out of the room, shuffling away in his little "speed walk" mode, as he called it.

"Great!" Isabella screamed, internally. Instead of trying to go up to her own room, she grabbed her keys and ran to Beast. Maybe she'd ask Jake…

"Hey, Bells! What'cha visiting for?" Jake was happy, constantly happy, constantly there, constantly scary sexy, and constantly gross and too sexual.

* * *

He was perfect for Isabella's question.

"I want to know what it feels like to have a good fuck."

"…uh...what?" Jake's beautifully tan face morphed into a beautifully confused face.

"You heard me, answer me, now. Or I will go somewhere else," Isabella did have to ask a few more people, she still had Jasper left, and Esme…and Edward.

Jake decided not to even tell Isabella, he just pulled her thin body to his, pulled her glasses off her face, and pushed his mouth against hers. Isabella was shocked, to say in the least, but she did. Not. Like. It. Not one bit.

"Mgt, mfof, mrrr, shke!" Isabella screamed as his thick tongue forced its way into her mouth, and Jake reached into her shorts, touching her…there. Isabella fought him off, it didn't take much, surprisingly.

"What the hell!" Isabella screeched, adjusting her shorts and feeling self conscious.

"How did that feel?" Jake asked, looking her seriously in the eye.

"Wha..?" Despite being confused, Isabella did think to how it felt. Sure, if it had been someone else, Isabella would have been…elated, but it was still nice. Jake surely knew how to use his tongue, and how to touch a girl…there, but instead of answering, she stared at him with a stony face.

"Don't look at me like I have shit on my face, it was hot. Imagine that multiplied by over 9000, and you've got maybe a fraction of a good fuck. Barely a 1/100th. Barely," and with that final sentence, and a parting look (was that…disappointment on his face?) Jake loped back into his house, with "I hope the guy you're after likes you, or you're fucked!"

"…Asshole," and then Isabella turned away to start towards del casa Hale, to talk to the nicer, and much friendlier Hale…Jasper.

* * *

"What the hell are you doing, throwing pebbles at my window at…..eleven o' fucking clock at night, Ugly Duckling?" Jasper's harsh blue eyes glared at Isabella, suddenly making her rethink her Shit List.

"Get down here." Her clipped words made the (slightly) older male know that she meant business.

"Okay, frosh. I'll be down in a sec." Sure enough, Jasper was down pretty quickly. During the time that Jasper spent taking his time to meet Isabella, she thought of a good way to phrase the question. 'Jeez, I dunno, but I really wanna know what it's like for a good 'ol fuck, ya know?' That seemed too…_too_.

"Okay, dearie Bellers, what is it that you want? Do you want this piece of junior dick?" Maybe Jasper was making a joke toward his grade level, or maybe actually calling himself junior (his father was Jasper Sr.) or maybe he was calling his dick a junior, it was that big? Immediately, as this thought came to her head, Isabella's eyes beamed their way to Jasper's package. Trying to x-ray and see if he was packing 'heat'.

"Oh, jeez, Bellers. What do you want?" Jasper had apparently noticed Isabella's blatant confusion.

"Uhm…I want to know what sex feels like…?" Isabella's question came out hesitant, scared, and she suddenly felt like the fifteen year old that she was.

"..wait, what?"

"Sex. What does it feel like?" Isabella took this moment to cross her legs and arms, only pausing to push up her glasses.

"It feels so amazing, that you can't be in the super-exclusive sex club, your unemotional self can't be in this too-cool-for-you club. It's so amazing, that if you were to even have a taste of dick, your eyes would explode; your mind would be blown so hard. It is so fucking great, I want to rape you, from the mention of sex," Jasper looked 100% serious, but surely he was merely jesting?

"…I shouldn't have asked you," and Isabella stomped away to go and ask the last two friends she had.

* * *

Esme was next. Esme, a sixteen year old who was _legally_ having sex with a twenty-one year old, Isabella did not know how to react to that tidbit, but Esme was still her best friend from Kindergarten.

"Heya, Bella! What are you doing up so late?" Esme's chipper voice was loud, but the way she was been held and maybe even (publicly!) fucked, was a little quiet. Esme had a masculine form over her, grunting and thrusting. His blonde hair slicked back, his eyes closed in happiness, and Esme just acted like they were all having a cup of coffee at Starbucks.

"Wha-wha?" Isabella was stunned, but interested. Then, as if a switch flipped, Esme's back arched, and she moaned loudly. It was as she didn't care if her parents heard! Maybe a couple minutes (that which felt like hours), was the little …thing…over with.

"Sorry about that, Bella. What do you need?" Esme fixed her little mini-skirt, and smoothed down her t-shirt, while her (older) companion adjusted his pants and walked away. Were they seriously fucking at two in the morning?

"I was just over at Jaspers…four hours ago. Stoppedbyadiner, hadaquick(maybenotsoquick)meal,and 'tthatillegal?" Isabella talked so quickly, she almost bit her tongue off.

"Isn't what illegal?" Esme asked innocently. Only at this second did Isabella see that Esme had cut her hair shorter…way shorter.

"Uhm, having sex with a twenty-one year old. And what happened to your hair?" Isabella looked confused, and maybe a little heartbroken, Esme was the only one of her friends (besides Isabella herself) who hadn't cut her hair more than two inches since Kindergarten.

"Well, in Washington state, 16 is age of consent, within 5 years; good thing Carlisle and I share the same birthday. Isn't that so romantic? I cut my hair yesterday, didn't I show you?" Isabella looked like she might have gladly fainted, if given the chance. Instead of asking her question, she looked Esme in the eye, and spit at Esme's feet.

"I'm going to see Edward, good day, you common prostituta," Prostituta had to be a word, somewhere, right?

* * *

"Edward fucking Cullen, open your goddamned door!" Isabella's fists hit the wooden door, almost in tempo with the disgusting rap song that Edward was probably listening to, (he was no doubt listening to it to be able to correctly criticize it, he was funny that way).

"What the fu-! Oh, it's you…" Edward suddenly looked ashamed, and then the music was off.

"What the hell is your sister doing outside?" Isabella was still scarred, and maybe she even shed a few tears- that's how horrifying it had been.

"Oh, so you saw?" Edward then wrapped his (muscley!) arms around Isabella, pulling her closer. Suddenly, Isabella could no longer think objectively, the judgment part of her brain suddenly shut off.

"I…wow, yeah," Suddenly thinking back, Isabella had been a little..aroused at what she saw. A thick man on top of a thin female, pushing in and out, it seemed to have made her a little…moist? down in her underwear.

Edward peered at Isabella, through his red-brown hair. Looking at her, his eyes "smoldering" (how was it possible for eyes to smolder?). Suddenly, Isabella swallowed, and she made up her mind. She was going to find out how sex felt. Pushing forward, Isabella grabbed Edward's shoulders, stood on her tip toes, pulled him towards her, and unleashed her mouth onto his.

It was….unsatisfying. Since the only kissing experience Isabella had had was with Jake, she just kept her lips pursed and puckered, her eyes opened and staring at Edward.

Edward seemed to suddenly understand, and he pulled away, slamming his door shut. Then he did something that shocked Isabella entirely, he pulled her shorts and underwear in one fell swoop, and pulled her down to the floor, and he kissed her…_there_! Isabella gasped, and pushed her hips forward, groaning as Edward flicked his tongue outwards.

It _was_ amazing, as Edward suckled, flicked, massaged, and slurped, Isabella became louder and louder. Gasps turned into moans, and moans turned into grunts, and grunts turned into full on screaming. Isabella was brought to the edge, and pushed off at least three times before Edward sat up and pulled off his t-shirt.

Isabella's lazy hands smoothed over his sprinkled chest hair, and his abdominals, fingers splayed across his muscle definitions. She'd never been wetter.

"Are you ready?" Edward asked, his voice hushed, his mouth barely moving, his hand positioned over his exceptionally large member, poised to pull on a…was that a condom?

"Oh god, yes!" Isabella cried, her legs around his, pushing him towards her.

THE END


End file.
